[Qui-Gon confirms Ezra's question with a smile and squeezes his fingers in return.]
Me too.
[He can sense the boy's uncertainty, and really, who could blame him? There's nothing normal about false memories, let alone having them take over one's life so completely, no matter how brief the time. Especially when that time has lasting consequences.]
[Qui-Gon has the scars on his chest and back to prove it.]
But that's because everything is always changing. Including the dynamics between two people.
[Qui-Gon gives Ezra's hand another squeeze before he pulls it away.]
What do your instincts tell you about our dynamic? You're already sure about me not being your master--which is something I wholeheartedly agree with--but now you have to take your time and listen further.
[Ezra rolls the question around in his head, though not for the first time tonight, or even for the past few weeks. What is his dynamic with Qui-Gon? How can he define a relationship built halfway from a lie that could have been his life, if things had played out differently?
It's no easier finding an answer to the question now than any other time before. He tries anyway, though, because Qui-Gon asked.]
I... I still feel like we're close. Even before...
[He searches Qui-Gon's face, trying to find something in it to help him put his feelings into words.
What he finds doesn't feel completely adequate, but he can't think of any better words.]
You feel like Kanan. Not like him as my master, but- I mean, what he does for me besides just teaching.
[Qui-Gon stands there patiently while Ezra works through his thoughts. He avoids making any kind of gesture to confirm or deny anything said aloud. This is Ezra’s challenge. This is his dilemma to work through.]
[There’s only one push Qui-Gon gives, and it comes gently.]
And who is Kanan to you? Outside of being your master?
[Ezra had kind of been hoping he could just leave it at that. He just doesn't have a good frame of reference for the role Kanan plays in his life. Not too many male adults have stuck around for long, either not being interested in the first place or...
Well.
Not like his dad or Ferpil had had much in the way of a choice. But those aren't pleasant memories, so Ezra shrugs uncomfortably. Even his false memories don't offer much of a clue, since in that life he and Qui-Gon had lived... not isolated lives, but they'd been cautious about letting other people in.]
I don't know.
[He admits that lamely. It seems like something he ought to have an answer for.]
I figured out who I want to be from him. [Him and Hera and Sabine and Zeb, but they're talking about Kanan specifically.] He's taught me about responsibility, about how to pick my fights, about growing up. I guess... he's... like family.
[He scuffs a toe in the carpet, not sure if that's entirely accurate either.]
[There isn’t much else for Qui-Gon to do other than patiently nod his head along with Ezra’s verbalizations. Having decades more experience meant that he’d arrived to this same conclusion a little while ago, but something about hearing it come from Ezra’s mouth turned an abstract concept into an absolute that couldn’t be denied. And who would want to?]
[The smile the question pulls is genuine... but a little bit sad. Not with the idea of Ezra asking if he could be part of a family, although that's depressing in its own right, but with the way he asked.]
[He'd asked if Qui-Gon would be okay with the idea. How many times had he been rejected before, to frame it like that?]
[Qui-Gon reaches out to rake his fingers through Ezra's disheveled hair. Something closely akin to a mischievous quirk of his lips flashes across his face.]
[He'd earned his reputation as a maverick for a reason.]
Besides... there are many ways to interpret such a rule. I think we'll be fine.
[Maybe it's Qui-Gon's assurance, or the affectionate hand in Ezra's hair. Maybe it's his smile that comes with it. Maybe it's the Force whispering its own guidance here. Whatever it is, it loosens something in Ezra's chest, allowing some of those bottled emotions to come out. It's not much obvious on his face beyond something sparking in his eyes, followed by a tentative smile that still isn't entirely sure, but the walls of Ezra's home almost seem to shimmer for a moment, like fabric with the faintest hint of gold embroidery, or maybe like a campsite lit by sparks from a low-banked fire.]
I might need some of those interpretations explained.
[So if Qui-Gon really means it, Ezra's willing to see what his idea of Jedi family is.]
[The shimmer that ripples across the walls says far more than mere words ever could, pushing Qui-Gon’s smile further. He lets the moment hang in the air, soaking everything about it in. He may not have a future outside of this mysterious land, destined to fold back into the Force upon his departure, but to someone who lives in the moment, that isn’t so bad. He’ll have these memories to last him forever—literally forever, if his training in immortality has truly been successful—and that’s a treasure in itself.]
[...That being said, living in the moment also means he doesn’t forget his purpose.]
...After you finish those exercises I assigned to you.
[Just like that, the campfire sparks snuff out as Ezra freezes, shoulders bunching with a flinch. Qui-Gon might not have forgotten the purpose of his visit, but Ezra certainly had. And he almost, almost tries to argue ignorance to keep up the bluff that that wasn't him last night.
But that was him last night, and maybe he doesn't want to test his luck so soon after that.]
[Which is the old Jedi's way of saying 'Don't even think about stalling.']
[But the smile on Qui-Gon's face remains warm, and the way he gives Ezra's shoulder one last squeeze before he parts should be reassuring. Maybe he'll go a little bit easier on him after this talk. Maybe.]
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timeasmymeasure
no subject
Date: 2017-10-09 02:38 am (UTC)Me too.
[He can sense the boy's uncertainty, and really, who could blame him? There's nothing normal about false memories, let alone having them take over one's life so completely, no matter how brief the time. Especially when that time has lasting consequences.]
[Qui-Gon has the scars on his chest and back to prove it.]
Remember Ezra, I'm as human as you are.
no subject
Date: 2017-10-12 07:40 pm (UTC)[And Masters have a lot more control.
But still, knowing that he's not alone in this does make Ezra feel a little bit better. He lets out a breath, then plunges into the next.]
So what does this mean for us? Do we... Does anything change?
[He fumbles for a moment, trying to figure out what question he's even trying to ask. When he speaks, it comes out awkwardly.]
We were family. Now we're... not? Or...? [He squares his shoulders, only certain about one thing.] I know you're not my master.
[It's been not quite a year, but that's still one tie he's not willing to give up.]
no subject
Date: 2017-10-13 01:31 am (UTC)But that's because everything is always changing. Including the dynamics between two people.
[Qui-Gon gives Ezra's hand another squeeze before he pulls it away.]
What do your instincts tell you about our dynamic? You're already sure about me not being your master--which is something I wholeheartedly agree with--but now you have to take your time and listen further.
no subject
Date: 2017-10-16 02:18 am (UTC)It's no easier finding an answer to the question now than any other time before. He tries anyway, though, because Qui-Gon asked.]
I... I still feel like we're close. Even before...
[He searches Qui-Gon's face, trying to find something in it to help him put his feelings into words.
What he finds doesn't feel completely adequate, but he can't think of any better words.]
You feel like Kanan. Not like him as my master, but- I mean, what he does for me besides just teaching.
no subject
Date: 2017-10-17 11:35 pm (UTC)[There’s only one push Qui-Gon gives, and it comes gently.]
And who is Kanan to you? Outside of being your master?
no subject
Date: 2017-10-18 02:16 am (UTC)Well.
Not like his dad or Ferpil had had much in the way of a choice. But those aren't pleasant memories, so Ezra shrugs uncomfortably. Even his false memories don't offer much of a clue, since in that life he and Qui-Gon had lived... not isolated lives, but they'd been cautious about letting other people in.]
I don't know.
[He admits that lamely. It seems like something he ought to have an answer for.]
I figured out who I want to be from him. [Him and Hera and Sabine and Zeb, but they're talking about Kanan specifically.] He's taught me about responsibility, about how to pick my fights, about growing up. I guess... he's... like family.
[He scuffs a toe in the carpet, not sure if that's entirely accurate either.]
no subject
Date: 2017-10-19 08:44 pm (UTC)I believe we have our answer. What do you think?
no subject
Date: 2017-10-22 12:53 am (UTC)But there's family, and then there's family, and is Qui-Gon really saying...?]
You'd... you'd be okay with that?
no subject
Date: 2017-10-22 05:10 am (UTC)[He'd asked if Qui-Gon would be okay with the idea. How many times had he been rejected before, to frame it like that?]
It would be an honor, Ezra.
no subject
Date: 2017-10-23 03:49 pm (UTC)Or how long had he just not had the chance? After all, rejection could only come if there was an opportunity to ask first, and that...
Well, Ezra probably has good reason to think most people weren't much interested in that. Even with Qui-Gon...
A mix of emotions flutters in his chest, and he has to pull them back before they rise too much.]
You're sure? It doesn't count as familial attachment?
[You know, the thing Qui-Gon just lectured him on?]
no subject
Date: 2017-10-23 04:10 pm (UTC)[Qui-Gon reaches out to rake his fingers through Ezra's disheveled hair. Something closely akin to a mischievous quirk of his lips flashes across his face.]
[He'd earned his reputation as a maverick for a reason.]
Besides... there are many ways to interpret such a rule. I think we'll be fine.
no subject
Date: 2017-10-29 08:26 pm (UTC)I might need some of those interpretations explained.
[So if Qui-Gon really means it, Ezra's willing to see what his idea of Jedi family is.]
no subject
Date: 2017-11-02 07:37 pm (UTC)[The shimmer that ripples across the walls says far more than mere words ever could, pushing Qui-Gon’s smile further. He lets the moment hang in the air, soaking everything about it in. He may not have a future outside of this mysterious land, destined to fold back into the Force upon his departure, but to someone who lives in the moment, that isn’t so bad. He’ll have these memories to last him forever—literally forever, if his training in immortality has truly been successful—and that’s a treasure in itself.]
[...That being said, living in the moment also means he doesn’t forget his purpose.]
...After you finish those exercises I assigned to you.
no subject
Date: 2017-11-06 01:52 pm (UTC)But that was him last night, and maybe he doesn't want to test his luck so soon after that.]
Can't I at least dress and eat breakfast first?
no subject
Date: 2017-11-06 09:27 pm (UTC)[Which is the old Jedi's way of saying 'Don't even think about stalling.']
[But the smile on Qui-Gon's face remains warm, and the way he gives Ezra's shoulder one last squeeze before he parts should be reassuring. Maybe he'll go a little bit easier on him after this talk. Maybe.]
[They'll just have to find out together.]