"While I'm sure Obi-Wan appreciated the apology, that isn't what I wanted to speak to you about."
It’s hard, walking the line between sass and lecturing, but Qui-Gon’s been at this for decades, and that’s more than enough time to master the awkward art. He didn’t enjoy scolding Padawans, but these were the aspects of teaching that—while unpleasant—are also necessary.
“Ezra, you needlessly escalated a situation that should have been handled with care. You verbally—and nearly physically—assaulted an innocent man. Even worse, if Obi-Wan hadn’t reverted back to normal, you could have been killed.”
Not like Padawans enjoy being lectured, either - a fact that becomes quickly evident as Ezra's shoulders bunch defensively. "I had to know!" he argues. "I had to be sure he was Obi-Wan again, but that's not something you can just come up and ask! I had to catch him off guard."
To him, it had felt necessarily, no matter how much the thought of confronting Lumis might have terrified him. If it meant potentially preventing Qui-Gon (or anyone else) from getting attacked again...
"And you didn't think to come to me or anyone, first?"
Qui-Gon knows that, despite his aforementioned experience, he's speaking from a place of fear. Fear that this kind of behavior could very well get Ezra hurt or even killed one day. That fear strains the undertones of his voice, but only for the moment it takes for him to wrestle it under control. He has to focus on the now--on the fact that Ezra is okay and not dead in the street somewhere.
He takes a deep breath.
"I would have helped you, Ezra, and you know that."
Guilt twinges, but Ezra shakes his head, folding his arms across his chest. "I had to be sure," he repeats stubbornly. "And I had to be sure myself, not because someone else said things were fine. Could you honestly tell me you wouldn't be biased?"
Ezra doesn't think Qui-Gon could be.
"Besides, I didn't want you to get hurt. You..." Some of the stubbornness fades into something more strained, too. "I nearly lost you once." Qui-Gon isn't the only one wrestling with fear.
It's true. Qui-Gon's love for his Padawan would always tinge his judgment. He always saw good in Obi-Wan. He saw flaws as well and was never shy in sharing those views, but there was always good. It's the same with Ezra, as much as a pain in the neck the boy could be.
A vice tightens around Qui-Gon's heart as Ezra confesses to the anxiety that helped fuel his impulsive actions and the steel behind his eyes melts away. He can see--feel--the white-hot blade, red with anger and destruction, pierce his chest, not unlike the way Maul's had run him through more than a year ago. It's already been a couple of months since the last incident, yet his memories won't let go.
"I understand your choice," Qui-Gon begins carefully, "and I don't ever want to put you through that kind of anguish again."
He sucks in a deep breath.
"I can't say that I'm angry. But I am disappointed with the path you took, young Padawan."
More than anything else Qui-Gon could have said, that makes Ezra flinch. Parental anger he could have handled, teenage defensiveness already rising out of habit. Being told his feelings were wrong, his decision too impulsive, wouldn't have had much effect either. Not when his heart says he'd had every reason.
But disappointment stings like salt thrown in a wound. For so long (a year, half his life) all he's wanted is to make his (father) teacher proud of him. Disappointment is the opposite of that.
"But- But why?" he bursts out, shoulders dropping with hurt. "I was protecting you, protecting everyone. Why is that bad? That's what Jedi do!"
The blatant hurt in Ezra's response pierces Qui-Gon's heart. He'd meant well--he always meant well, and that's what makes discussions like this so difficult. Whether in their false memories or in the very real world of Empatheais, one thing about Ezra that's remained unchanged is how much he wanted to help and how willing he was to place himself in harm's way to ensure nobody else got hurt.
It's an innate need that all Jedi are supposed to possess, no matter how easily misguided.
Qui-Gon's next words are all the more challenging for that very reason.
"Yes, Ezra, the Jedi protect others. But we do so in a way that ensures not only our safety, but the safety of all those around us. I'm disappointed in your actions because you've thrown that aside for the sake of validation. I understand it was also to protect others, myself included, but you know better than to take those risks."
Every word hammers the guilt in even more, until there's a lump forming in Ezra's throat. Because it's true, he had known better. It had just seemed so necessary.
"Then what was I supposed to do?" he asks, despair pulling at his heart, and on dust that hadn't been on the table before. Hating the betrayal of his emotions, he tries to wipe it off. "Just leave it alone and hope?"
Qui-Gon's hand reaches out instinctually before he can stop it--possibly because he doesn't want to. A ruffle of Ezra's hair seems too condescending given the situation, but he doesn't feel right placing his palm against Ezra's cheek. Not when the boy is so clearly by his words. So Qui-Gon settles on squeezing his shoulder, stepping within a comfortably close range. Personal space didn't mean much to them anymore, not with the familiarity of the past year and the influence of the near decade's worth of fake memories, but Qui-Gon doesn't want to invade more than he has to.
"You could have trusted either myself or someone else to go with you. You're not alone, Ezra. It's okay to rely on others for help, even when--especially when--things can get dangerous."
It's true that personal space doesn't mean much between them. With the squeeze of his shoulder, Ezra doesn't pull back as he would with almost anyone else, only bows his head. "I wasn't planning on confronting him then. It just... happened. I saw him and I just acted, Master Jinn. How can I ask someone to go with me when I don't know what's going to happen?"
"Call any one of us for back-up. You have a myriad of people who would gladly drop everything they're doing to make sure you're safe."
Qui-Gon changes the shoulder squeeze to a gentle touch, his hand moving in slow, comforting circles. He'd already made his initial point with anger and disappointment. What's important now is that Ezra knows there's love behind Qui-Gon's actions, that the old Jedi's intent isn't, and would never be, to simply hurt Ezra and call it a day, but to teach him.
"Your safety and the safety of others is a priority, the same as a Jedi's vow to protect everyone around them."
"What if there isn't time to call for help, though?" Ezra presses. "What if I have to do something right then?" Technically, that hadn't been the case this time, but there have been times before where time wasn't a luxury he had. The comforting squeeze assures him that Qui-Gon has forgiven him, but still. But still. Something like this could happen again in the future, and he doesn't want his teacher to think he just didn't listen.
"If that's the case, then it's safe to assume you didn't go to find trouble, and that trouble has found you instead. This is also an innate trait of a Jedi."
Yes, that's a joke he's cracking. Just a tiny one, though.
"In such a scenario, you do what you can to contain the situation. That includes securing the safety of anyone around you and calling for help, whether it be through the Force or through the amulets."
Qui-Gon pauses for another moment as he removes his hand, confident that Ezra understands this has gone from chastisement to real advice for a very real possibility.
"You said before you didn't want to see me hurt again. The same goes for you, Ezra. I don't want to discover something terrible has happened to you when I could have done something to prevent it."
Qui-Gon may have thought he was done chastising Ezra here, but he still manages to make Ezra duck his head with another twinge of guilt. "I didn't think of it like that.
...I'm sorry."
Sometimes it's still a bit of a foreign feeling to have people worry about him.
It's a good thing Ezra's head is ducked down, because that certainly is a wince that crosses across Qui-Gon's face. It wouldn't do well for the boy's pride to see his mentor pity him so overtly, that's for sure. As such, Qui-Gon's hand returns to Ezra's shoulder, this time briskly rubbing at the blade. This isn't the time for pedantic nomenclature correction, so he lets that 'try' slip. He understands Ezra's intent just fine without it.
"I know you will."
Qui-Gon's hand reaches down from the young Padawan's shoulder to gently raise his chin so Ezra's eyes can meet the old Jedi's warm gaze.
No, just as well that Ezra missed the pity there, and even better that he didn't lecture about 'do's and 'try's. Neither would have done anything but make Ezra defensive.
Not expecting gentle commendation, though, Ezra blinks in surprise, caught off guard enough to allow Qui-Gon to lift his chin up. It takes another second for it to sink in - really sink in. Did he really hear Qui-Gon right?
"I do?" A beat. "But I still keep making mistakes."
“If you know of someone who’s never made a mistake, please let me know. I’d very much like to meet them,” Qui-Gon laughs.
His hand retreats to his side, where it hangs relaxed, much like the rest of his posture. The tension from the start of the conversation has ebbed away, leaving the Jedi Master’s more familiar compassionate side at the forefront. Anger and negativity don’t tend to linger when it comes to Qui-Gon. He’s learned to let go of such things a long time ago, the rare outlying situation aside.
“You’re still learning, Ezra. As you experience more, your instincts will develop and you’ll grow from the moments they lead you astray.”
Stars above, Qui-Gon’s instincts have provided him with plenty of those learning opportunities. The smile on his face says as much.
“That said,” he continues, “I expect you to exercise more caution in the future. Understood?”
A small, hesitant smile tugs on Ezra's lips, as much in response to Qui-Gon's smile as to the light jest-that-wasn't-a-jest. Or maybe it was just the unspoken faith in that expectation, that Qui-Gon really thinks he can do better.
"Yes, sir," he says - and if that title of respect is one he used more in the other memories than he's ever done in the real past, well, maybe it's not so bad to be respectful every once in a while, even to someone who's not his adoptive father. "I'll do my best."
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timeasmymeasure
no subject
Date: 2017-11-24 01:21 am (UTC)It’s hard, walking the line between sass and lecturing, but Qui-Gon’s been at this for decades, and that’s more than enough time to master the awkward art. He didn’t enjoy scolding Padawans, but these were the aspects of teaching that—while unpleasant—are also necessary.
“Ezra, you needlessly escalated a situation that should have been handled with care. You verbally—and nearly physically—assaulted an innocent man. Even worse, if Obi-Wan hadn’t reverted back to normal, you could have been killed.”
no subject
Date: 2017-12-04 05:15 pm (UTC)To him, it had felt necessarily, no matter how much the thought of confronting Lumis might have terrified him. If it meant potentially preventing Qui-Gon (or anyone else) from getting attacked again...
Then it was worth it.
no subject
Date: 2017-12-04 05:45 pm (UTC)Qui-Gon knows that, despite his aforementioned experience, he's speaking from a place of fear. Fear that this kind of behavior could very well get Ezra hurt or even killed one day. That fear strains the undertones of his voice, but only for the moment it takes for him to wrestle it under control. He has to focus on the now--on the fact that Ezra is okay and not dead in the street somewhere.
He takes a deep breath.
"I would have helped you, Ezra, and you know that."
no subject
Date: 2017-12-09 10:49 pm (UTC)Ezra doesn't think Qui-Gon could be.
"Besides, I didn't want you to get hurt. You..." Some of the stubbornness fades into something more strained, too. "I nearly lost you once." Qui-Gon isn't the only one wrestling with fear.
no subject
Date: 2017-12-16 05:24 am (UTC)A vice tightens around Qui-Gon's heart as Ezra confesses to the anxiety that helped fuel his impulsive actions and the steel behind his eyes melts away. He can see--feel--the white-hot blade, red with anger and destruction, pierce his chest, not unlike the way Maul's had run him through more than a year ago. It's already been a couple of months since the last incident, yet his memories won't let go.
"I understand your choice," Qui-Gon begins carefully, "and I don't ever want to put you through that kind of anguish again."
He sucks in a deep breath.
"I can't say that I'm angry. But I am disappointed with the path you took, young Padawan."
no subject
Date: 2017-12-26 02:44 am (UTC)But disappointment stings like salt thrown in a wound. For so long (a year, half his life) all he's wanted is to make his (father) teacher proud of him. Disappointment is the opposite of that.
"But- But why?" he bursts out, shoulders dropping with hurt. "I was protecting you, protecting everyone. Why is that bad? That's what Jedi do!"
no subject
Date: 2017-12-26 04:21 am (UTC)It's an innate need that all Jedi are supposed to possess, no matter how easily misguided.
Qui-Gon's next words are all the more challenging for that very reason.
"Yes, Ezra, the Jedi protect others. But we do so in a way that ensures not only our safety, but the safety of all those around us. I'm disappointed in your actions because you've thrown that aside for the sake of validation. I understand it was also to protect others, myself included, but you know better than to take those risks."
no subject
Date: 2017-12-29 11:48 pm (UTC)"Then what was I supposed to do?" he asks, despair pulling at his heart, and on dust that hadn't been on the table before. Hating the betrayal of his emotions, he tries to wipe it off. "Just leave it alone and hope?"
no subject
Date: 2017-12-30 03:53 am (UTC)"You could have trusted either myself or someone else to go with you. You're not alone, Ezra. It's okay to rely on others for help, even when--especially when--things can get dangerous."
no subject
Date: 2018-01-02 06:23 pm (UTC)no subject
Date: 2018-01-03 03:15 pm (UTC)Qui-Gon changes the shoulder squeeze to a gentle touch, his hand moving in slow, comforting circles. He'd already made his initial point with anger and disappointment. What's important now is that Ezra knows there's love behind Qui-Gon's actions, that the old Jedi's intent isn't, and would never be, to simply hurt Ezra and call it a day, but to teach him.
"Your safety and the safety of others is a priority, the same as a Jedi's vow to protect everyone around them."
no subject
Date: 2018-01-06 12:10 am (UTC)no subject
Date: 2018-01-06 05:13 am (UTC)Yes, that's a joke he's cracking. Just a tiny one, though.
"In such a scenario, you do what you can to contain the situation. That includes securing the safety of anyone around you and calling for help, whether it be through the Force or through the amulets."
Qui-Gon pauses for another moment as he removes his hand, confident that Ezra understands this has gone from chastisement to real advice for a very real possibility.
"You said before you didn't want to see me hurt again. The same goes for you, Ezra. I don't want to discover something terrible has happened to you when I could have done something to prevent it."
no subject
Date: 2018-01-09 12:13 am (UTC)...I'm sorry."
Sometimes it's still a bit of a foreign feeling to have people worry about him.
"I'll try to do better next time."
no subject
Date: 2018-01-09 05:50 am (UTC)It's a good thing Ezra's head is ducked down, because that certainly is a wince that crosses across Qui-Gon's face. It wouldn't do well for the boy's pride to see his mentor pity him so overtly, that's for sure. As such, Qui-Gon's hand returns to Ezra's shoulder, this time briskly rubbing at the blade. This isn't the time for pedantic nomenclature correction, so he lets that 'try' slip. He understands Ezra's intent just fine without it.
"I know you will."
Qui-Gon's hand reaches down from the young Padawan's shoulder to gently raise his chin so Ezra's eyes can meet the old Jedi's warm gaze.
"Because you always do."
no subject
Date: 2018-01-17 03:14 pm (UTC)Not expecting gentle commendation, though, Ezra blinks in surprise, caught off guard enough to allow Qui-Gon to lift his chin up. It takes another second for it to sink in - really sink in. Did he really hear Qui-Gon right?
"I do?" A beat. "But I still keep making mistakes."
no subject
Date: 2018-01-17 04:00 pm (UTC)His hand retreats to his side, where it hangs relaxed, much like the rest of his posture. The tension from the start of the conversation has ebbed away, leaving the Jedi Master’s more familiar compassionate side at the forefront. Anger and negativity don’t tend to linger when it comes to Qui-Gon. He’s learned to let go of such things a long time ago, the rare outlying situation aside.
“You’re still learning, Ezra. As you experience more, your instincts will develop and you’ll grow from the moments they lead you astray.”
Stars above, Qui-Gon’s instincts have provided him with plenty of those learning opportunities. The smile on his face says as much.
“That said,” he continues, “I expect you to exercise more caution in the future. Understood?”
no subject
Date: 2018-01-29 02:17 am (UTC)"Yes, sir," he says - and if that title of respect is one he used more in the other memories than he's ever done in the real past, well, maybe it's not so bad to be respectful every once in a while, even to someone who's not his adoptive father. "I'll do my best."
What his best would actually be...
Well, they'd just have to find that out together.